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Journal Disclaimer [Friday, November 30th, 2035 @ 10:15pm]
-Information in this LiveJournal is provided by many different people from the remembering of my own head. While I try to keep it accurate and up-to-date, I cannot guarantee that it always will be. If you see something in my LiveJournal that should be corrected or updated, Post a comment on it.
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RIP Dime!

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Last 10 tracks playedTop 10 artists this week

[Monday, May 16th, 2016 @ 9:15pm]

Went to the emp museum today. Was alright. Took the bus to downtown queen anne which was beautiful. Got some build your own tacos from nana's which is a taco joint in a house.

(Penny For Your Thoughts?)

If you fall off the edge of nowhere, will you ever land? [Monday, May 21st, 2007 @ 3:53am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

        Where have i been? I suppose an apology of some sorts is necessary because i've been missing out on a lot here. So i guess it's time to get ya'll, and more so myself caught up to pace. I'd say i've been in a very different state of mind over the past few months since i've stopped regularly posting here. I saw it coming and I more of less accepted the journey to which i'm on everyday. It's been a transitional period from adolescence to adulthood, mentally at least... Confronted with problems that are really hard, and keep looping around them until i break them down into somewhat manageable sized chunks. Each time you get around the loop you're more in tune with the root problem. I've been trying to keep track of it but it's very difficult. Not only am i concentrating on my thoughts, but i'm also trying to remember how i got to the next step in the thought pattern... and then trying to evaluate the whole chain of command. That i think is more interesting than the thought itself... at least in my opinion...

        That's where i believe language has failed us. Communication is extremely overrated. We need to find the next best thing. My mind goes through hundreds of thoughts an hour that at least i'm consciously aware of and i can't possibly write, or speak that fast. I can understand it in my head, but on paper it just doesn't add up. As soon as an idea is formed it is rationalized and then either archived and attached to similar thoughts or discarded. I've caught ideas by the tail (or solution), then have had to go back and figure out the steps to get to the solution. and it's fun as hell...

        I've been zoning out a lot, i just get lost in thought and can't keep tabs on reality... which is why i love that one Tool lyric that goes (Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind)... A period of intra-personal closeness i'd call it. I've been trying to figure out how stimuli goes from a sight, sound, touch, smell, taste into an emotional feeling inside your body. For example I just saw a guy eating a hot dog on TV and it made me really hungry for a hot dog... so that requires me to move in a specific manner and in a specific direction to get what i want. I can also very easily suppress that feeling of hunger by convincing myself i'm not hungry and that i'm in actually quite comfortable right now. These sensory inputs have got to be stored in memory patterns so you could easily make a prediction of how something will effect you when it comes into your state of existence. Example: You know that when you step foot into a movie theater the smell of fresh popcorn will likely have you salivating. If you know that will be true then you can likely suppress the feeling before it catches you and your wallet off guard... I do that with everything, not just popcorn... so by knowing the likely outcome of a situation, you could in fact handle it and have it all worked out so that you'd display a rather blunted affect... i know i tried explaining this to someone a while ago, but i didn't have such a firm grasp on the concept then as much as i do now.

        I'm really curious about the relationship between the body and the mind. I would love to figure out how experiences come to be out of gray matter that's electrically firing off signals to various nerves. I want to know how it all works. You see a hot female and you get all warm downstairs, you run across a strong scent of a tasty burger and your stomach feels like it's wrinkling up because it smells so damn good. I also feel that i cannot figure this all out alone...

        In comes this "Summer-Mode" that i've been saying a lot lately... I know that by observing other's in an environment in which they're comfortable in while not knowing that i'm observing them can help me a great deal in figuring out how my mind works. That's what "Summer-Mode" is, it's blowing wind into my sails to push me onward through this journey. Destination? I have no fucking clue. And i love that. Is this whole thought process part of a healthy mental hygiene routine to keep my mind on it's toes, or is it purely a mental illness... The Destination could very well be insanity. But I won't find out until i get there. and if it is, i say bring it on... although one state of mind i think does not really determine what the next state will be... or even how far off that next state may be. Push the envelope, Watch it bend...

        Every human being should have full responsibility for creating the meanings of their own lives but i think not everyone does. At this stage in life, i'd say that freedom of thought and self-ownership are the closest things i've found to the key to happiness... People like to say they live in the "Here and now, flying by the seat of the pants" type deal... i've been there and added to that mentality the inevitable questions that arise... Why here? Why now? Why not There and Later!? thinking outside the box is an understatement... I've lost my box, shit i can't even remember how big it was, or even what color it was... I've tried looking around for a bit, think it might've been thrown out... oh well, fuck the box... the use of lateral thinking in the grandest of scales... mmmMMMmmm, tastes like chicken... This may seem like a lot, but with no exaggeration this is only a taste of the insanity to ensue once i stop focusing on this one topic. and now that i think about it, i would really rather keep this information to myself hahaha... fuuuuuck me... Why? i don't fucking know... conflict of personality? and to that, i'm ditching you right now for a nice hot shower and a cold bed...

(3 Jews Took The Deal | Penny For Your Thoughts?)

...and i was like, what the fuck!? [Sunday, April 8th, 2007 @ 9:23pm]
[ mood | amused ]

i got woken up by a priest this morning.
really starting to get ridiculous.
fuck you and your easter bullshit.
i'm a very cranky person in the morning,
and its a lot worse when the waker just so happens to be a priest.
the fuckin guy won't give up either...
don't wake me up then tell me i should go to church,
quit pushing your religion on me,
push it in where its more welcome, say a 9-year old boys asshole?
speaking of genital areas...
i noticed the other night when i was jerking off that i got a gnarly cut on my dick.
i believe its from getting caught in the zipper one night,
but i never noticed it until last night when the blood was making for a good lubricant.
nothing like some bloody semen to cap your night... mmmmmm.

(1 Jew Took The Deal | Penny For Your Thoughts?)

Déjà senti [Thursday, April 5th, 2007 @ 3:45am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I mean i've had many upon many cases of i've been there... done that...
but none so much as i have had recently in the past couple months...
hundreds of deja-something''s...
i think...
i'm not even really sure...
I can't really remember anything I do anymore...
and i can't decide if that's a godsend or not...
in all seriousness i cannot remember shit anymore...
people that i havent seen since yesterday seem years older...
who even knows, maybe i haven't seen them in a year or so...
but yeah, its entertaining?
not really knowing anyone after i meet them for the first time...
pretty cool to meet someone new for the first time...
every time... really...
can't remember what i did last night,
so why not do it everynight...
the same old, just never gets "old"...
so, why not just rot away...
and no... it isn't becuase of pot...
because frankly i barely ever smoke pot...
so fuck off if you've come up with that conclusion...
Fuck off anyway while you're at it...
Far beyond done...

(1 Jew Took The Deal | Penny For Your Thoughts?)

Slayer @ The Hammerstein Ballroom [Sunday, February 18th, 2007 @ 3:44am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

so yeah, we saw Slayer Thursday... me and Stefan did... it was great... but at the same time it sucked... i got claustrophobic and extremely annoyed at the same time... but then again i came to expect the same thing of every Slayer show i go to... we got there and it was empty... we were massively early... hung out upfront for a looooong time... watched Unearth... i thought they were really bad... they enjoyed partying more than their music which made them that much worse for me... they enjoyed doing funnels during their songs to impress the underage kids... to sell more records... the one douche, who i describe as a douche just because of his shitty choice of clothing and ADD like characteristics... kept pointing at this one semi-black chick out in the crowd until about 3 songs later which she cralwed up on stage and made out with him infront of all of us... that was really stupid... i would've really liked it if he would show off inront of us more though... being as his guitar solos were top of the line /sarcasm.... even i could make guitar solos better than him and i suck at guitar... i mean come on... that band should just collectively shoot themselves in the head for the shitty music they put out to the low level americans... such a shitty band... i've earned a new level of disrespect for this band... that and they doused me with beer by the end of their set... something i could've lived without... go the fuck away... you suck ass... please kill yourselves... in between sets, someone started a show your tits chant... to a girl up on the 3rd balcony... blonde, skinny chick wearing a short red skirt... red fishnet stockings, and a bikini top... nice b-c breasts... she hesitated then finally showed... it proved as a nice distraction to waiting for slayer... but not even seconds after the anxiety of waiting for slayer came right back... waited atleast a good 45 minutes for Slayer to come on... and it was a great release when they finally did come on... the setlist went something like this:

War Ensemble
Die By The Sword
Show no Mercy
Captor of Sin
Mandatory Suicide
Seasons In The Abyss
Silent Scream
Dead Skin Mask
Raining Blood

South of Heaven
Angel Of Death

it was fucking sweet... i was pretty pumped even though it was hard breathing... being up 2-3 people before the gate is really hard... and i know this, but everytime i go to see them i really lose all care... like its really hard for me to breathe and during a couple songs i almost pass out... but in the end i look back and it's totally worth it... being literally crushed on all sides... like really really crushed... i even had one mexican pass out on me... when i yelled to him if he was okay he gave me the horns... then he got dragged out of the place by people who deemed he wasn't strong enough to make it... i somehow managed to get up to 1 person behind the barricade and there i stayed... the closer you get to the barricade the stronger the force is behind you to be pushed up front... so i had to deal with the people infront of me getting pissed, because they thought i was trying to push my way upfront... then i had to deal with the drunkard behind me grinding his elbow into the back of my ribcage... then after he figured out that wasnt working he had to rest his arm on my shoulder... and during songs he'd literally push my head to the right and down... till i got so pissed that i started shoving his arm off my shoulder and started grinding my elbow into the front of his ribcage with a lot of force... fuck you... you may be a slayer fan, but you're an obnoxious prick... i'm here and i'm not moving so get the fuck back... i was probably getting really irritated because i had not had my nicotine fix as well, because a bounced had ousted my smoking of cigarrettes in between sets... but yeah other than the annoying people, which come with every slayer show... it was a fucking excellent show... they had the music fucking cranked... which is one thing i noticed about all shows Slayer plays... they always have to be realllllllly fucking loud... and the intro to Raining in blood got my shoes untied thats how loud it was... my body was literally vibrating for a good half hour after... shivers up the spine, and that really good feeling that the music is so loud that even deaf people could hear it... it was great... they played lots of classic songs... and it was good... but the overall mood i gained from it was one of major hostility... i was very irritable coming out of there... we got in the 11 something train out of there... got home around 1:30... got home somewhat early... took a shower... and yeah now what... how many days later? i can't remember but my neck still hurts... i noticed i had a huge bruise on my neck from a crowd surfer coming down right on my head... i dont know, but i need to drink more... until there is exactly no more... so that's what i'm working on tonight... fuck everything else... as of late i've been in the shittiest mood ever... so don't fuck with me... i might just shit on you after eating some 7-11 nachos with free chili and cheese, mixed with laxitives to give it that nice smooth texture when it's flying out of my asshole onto your face...
(4 Jews Took The Deal | Penny For Your Thoughts?)

What a fucking ((Crazy)) night... [Wednesday, December 20th, 2006 @ 11:45pm]
[ mood | blah ]

ok so yesterday i woke up in the pissiest mood... went and got breakfast at bagel palace... brought the family down to the beach then back here... hopped in the shower and then went to work... work wasnt bad... then my mood changed sometime during that... got home around 8:20 after harassing chug at the bev and picking up lots of booze... waited around for grandma to get back with dinner from Francesca's... we all ate in the kitchen... met up with Coos real quick... went in the back and hung around... pounding beers left and right... Squires showed up, which was a surprise (because i forgot that i had invited him over earlier in the day)... so we hung around and drank outside... called up Stefan and Jon... they were fucking with Stefan's computer... then walked over... we were still hanging outside kicking the shit and drinking some beers... then Jess and Kat showed up... came down here... and just talked the whole night haha... it was a lot crazier than that, but i can't remember anything specific aside from stories being exchanged... around 1:30 Squires went home... Stefan went home around 2:30? Jon made himself some food then him Jess, Kat and pops hung out down here... it was fun... heh... did get a nice bite mark thats still a little tender haha... so, no flour last night though so that was cool... i think they left around 5:30? me and dad stayed up boozing all night... fuckin around 7 we went up to King Kullen so he could surprise this girl... Rachel i believe... apparently he dated her before my mom, so they go way back... umm... came back home... hung around then we finally passed out around 10... i woke up 10 to 3... that sucked hahaha... and for some reason i couldn't move my right leg... i just shrugged it off as maybe a dead leg... stood up and fell straight down... i somehow made it to the car by holding onto shit... got to work... could tell that the feeling was fading away... but i had a horrible limp all day... everyone was like woah what the fuck happened to you... i guess i just slept on it wrong and it somehow stuck with me for 8 hours... but yeah work went rather quick... got home and was ready to pass out... apparently dad has been sleeping all day... took a nice shower... came down here and was winding down then coos showed up saying my sister called him 3 times... so yeah he smoked with Keith... then uhh... yeah, he hung around for an hour or two then went home... and yeah i'm ready to either watch some porn, or just pass out... i got lots of shit to think about... but yeah umm... that was probably the best birthday i've had haha... and it wasn't anything more than just hanging out with good friends, dad... and lots of booze... and we gotta do it again sometime...

(2 Jews Took The Deal | Penny For Your Thoughts?)

Stairmaster Supreme [Tuesday, December 19th, 2006 @ 2:35am]
[ mood | confused ]

ok so i gotta update for yesterday as well... so ok went to the city with Stefan, Judith, Tara, and Steph... the car ride there was brutal... Judith couldn't leave one song on for too long... almost killed us a few times... got to Ronkonkoma... went and sat outside the pizza place while they ate... then they come running out saying they forgot the tickets at her house haha... Stefan called that one... so yeah then we met her mom at a gas station in Manorville... got the tickets then went back to Ronkonokma got on the train... me and Stefan started boozing... fucking with them haha... that was actually a lot of fun... broke the news that Judith had a lesbian crush on Steph hahaha... she was checking out her ass too! she also smacked it a few times i think hahaha... too damn funny... so yeah got into the city and made our way to Nokia theater... went to the bathroom and smoked and heard some conversation about Necrophagist, so i jumped in it and had a smoke in there... came out then we checked out the merch... when i was in the bathroom i could kinda hear them sound checking the keyboard, and i really didn't want to think about missing Amon Amarth so i blew it off... went in and Children of Bodom were playing... i was pissed... hung out there for about 3 minutes... Stefan disappeared so i figured i may as well too... went back to the bathroom because i had to take a leak... then joined back in the previous conversation because the people were still there... big surprise when they told me they were only there for Amon Amarth... then they said they played a long ass sweet set... i was annoyed... smoked another stick... then got busted by some guys working at the place... got a warning... so hung around... then i realized the kid i was talking to didn't actually know shit... we just sat there and watched a couple kids with nose bleeds get escorted in by paramedics hahaha... then some kid started talking to the dumbass kid and somehow he knew off the bat that he was full of shit... so after the show was over the bullshit kid left and i was talking to the other one... this other guy was a lot cooler... and actually knew what he was talking about, so we just made fun of the other kid behind his back hahahaha... the train ride back we were being super assholes to Judith because she made us miss amon amarth... fuckin bull... ended up picking on Steph a lot... car ride home was the same as the ride there... tons of 30 second clips of country music... ended up giving Steph the nickname chesty because her chest hurt and we kept telling her she was going through puberty, and then we just busted her balls about how young she was, even though we knew she was 18... she was getting defensive it was funny... got home... hung out with pops down here... played some games... you know the deal... he went to bed around 4... i passed out shortly after... woke up Monday around 1:30... took a shower... waited around with them until 6ish when grandma got back... took the family to Riverhead... over to Walmart to do some shit... then to Best Buy... then to Fridays... payed for our dinner... the hottest... waitress ever... me and Stefan figured out why they're there, they don't even serve tables... they just want you to come back next week to try again to get her... but yeah she was about 5'8"... blonde hair, c rack, niiiiiiice ass... ass pants... it was crazy... me and dad were talking about it for a while now that he's single again hahaha... came back to town then hung around... was looking for something to do, but everyones afraid of my family... and i don't feel like leaving the house because i feel obligated to hang out here with them, no matter how boring it is for all of us... pops even went to bed really damn early today thats how bored he was... which sucks because i feel i should stay here and entertain the guests, but i suck ass at that... my ideal night is sitting around doing nothing, i'm perfectly fine with that... i only know one other person who can do that too... Stefan... i also figured out that i don't like hanging out here much lately just because i feel i have to keep people interested in hanging out here... maybe they don't care, but i still feel like when they get bored they get annoyed... so yeah pops checked with the train he took out if he could push back his ride home from the 24th to the 28th and they wanted an extra hundred bucks... his mom doesn't have the money and he asked one of his friends up here for the favor but they couldn't... so i offered to give him my christmas bonus from work, which should be atleast a hundred... because i feel like i haven't seen my dad in 6 years and 9 days just doesn't feel like it's enough... hell maybe i'm a nice guy after all... but yeah he's sleeping on it, even though they only had one seat left... so it probably won't happen anyway... oh well, what can you do... today being my birthday, i have work today because i never told them i wanted off... because i actually dont, but everyone here wants me to get off... i don't see a birthday as anything special... even if it is the 21st birthday... i'm now sitting here getting drunk legally, woooo boy... (sarcasm)... but yeah i don't care if i work on my birthday... but then again i got work the rest of the week till Saturday, and that leaves them stranded in the house for 24 hours of this week with nothing to do... and that i do feel bad about... what can i tell you, Hampton Bays in the winter... there aint shit to do... i don't know... still trying to figure out if i should go to bed tonight or just stay up and booze for a while... but then if i actually do have to go to work i don't want to get a DUI on my first legal day to drink heh... hmmmmmmmmm... so yeah tonight they watched movies upstairs all night and i played guitar for 4 hours down here... that was the night...

(1 Jew Took The Deal | Penny For Your Thoughts?)

Welcome backkkkk... [Sunday, December 17th, 2006 @ 1:26am]
[ mood | confused ]

Woke up this morning after sleeping from 10-1... guess i didnt have work... hung around... went to King Kullen to pick up dinner with the family... went to the Res for some smokes... did an empty run... came back here and Preston and Christine were here... so we talked to them for a long while... talked to my mom! it's been a long while and she seems very different... she was telling me how my little brother timmy has a moustache starting... i was like goddamn i'm getting old, because last time i saw him he was like 7... they left around 6:30... made dinner... baked some chicken, corn, and taters... it was pretty good... it's weird how i have company that comes to my house and they cook for me and fold my laundry... heh its nice... kinda freaked me out because i came down here going to put my clothes in the dryer and i see them already folded sitting on the couch... folded clothes scare me... umm... went to the Bev with pops after dinner and introduced him to Clown... had to get some booze because i thought Jon and Stefan were coming over after the islanders game... sat and watched the Islanders game on the tube because our remote doesn't work and all of us are WAY too lazy to get up and change the channel... then watched some movie called Miami Vice that i burnt as a request... wasn't the best quality and that made it a bad movie for me... that and there was people getting in the way of the camera walking up and down the aisle a lot... so yeah Stefan and Jon ended up not stopping by here and invited me out, but i feel that i have some sort of obligation to stay and hang out with the family, no matter how painful it is... so yeah... tomorrow i got work, i believe i'm bring pops in because he wants to wander the streets of riverhead... then after that i gotta come home and shower... still don't know if pops really wants to go to that show tomorrow night, he wanted to... then i think when uncle told him that the bands were really heavy he kinda changed his mind hahaha... i dont know, i'll have to see what happens tomorrow... so yeah... i'm really really really fucking tired... don't know why... that's just how its been the past couple days... usually i'm wired this late at night... but not recently... but i do know this mac and cheese is good... mmmmhmmmm... later dildos

(Penny For Your Thoughts?)

Dadgum... [Friday, December 15th, 2006 @ 2:21am]
[ mood | drained ]

ok so woke up expecting to go to work today but grandma called in and made me switch days so i could drive to the airport... went to DMV to renew my license which expires shortly... went to Friday's... got the double stack quesadilla which was alright... then around 1 i started the 2 and a half hour trek to Laguardia... getting lost on the way there was not my fault, because i had really spotty directions... i got lost so hardcore... took the LIE went over the Throggsneck i believe... went so far that i hit Jersey and yeah it smelled bad... just before entering Jersey though i somehow avoided it... found myself in the Bronx... then found my way to Queens... found the airport finally... parked and went to check the arrivals... went to two wrong terminals because there really backwards as fuck up there, atleast in JFK they have seperate terminals for each airline... as soon as i found the right one i bumped into them and they had just gotten off the plane at a quarter after 4... so that worked out well... got back in the car and i was following signs for Long Island, but somehow ended up in the ghettos of the Bronx again, it was reallly shady there... then i managed to get back into Queens and find the right way back to LI... then there was major traffic because it was around 5... took 2 and a half hours to get home... longest drive of my life it felt like... got home and just wanted to relax but couldnt, had to go out and get pizza... then came back then had to go munchie shopping... then after that we stopped by Uncle Monkey's house... i didnt know this but he's got another dog now, can't remember the breed name... but it's a cool small breed... sat around there for a good hour... then came back here... getting ready to Relax then Jess walks in the door... heh classic awkward staredown between her and Liz... came down here then Liz and Keith came down... it was hilarious how awkward is was... the only conversation was Jess' laughing at my facial expressions... other than that silence... it was so good hahaha... they disappeared... then me and Jess got into a baby powder war, when we ran out of that we had an antiquing war... totally brutalized each other for a good hour or two... whole basement was caked in layers and layers of flour... we used like 3/4 of a new bag of flour... most of it's just on my floor now! so funny... i think Jess might've won though in that i was covered in flour from head to toe... but she also walked away bruised and battered... totally saved my night... grandma flipped when she saw the room... it's just flour... even though it is everywhere heh... Jess went home and Keith and Liz went to bed... and yeah i'm shot... hitting the bed so hard tonight, i'm actually exhausted for a change... nothing like driving for 5.5 hours then getting antiqued hardcore to drain your battery...

(1 Jew Took The Deal | Penny For Your Thoughts?)

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