Monkey (monkeydude) wrote,

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If you fall off the edge of nowhere, will you ever land?

        Where have i been? I suppose an apology of some sorts is necessary because i've been missing out on a lot here. So i guess it's time to get ya'll, and more so myself caught up to pace. I'd say i've been in a very different state of mind over the past few months since i've stopped regularly posting here. I saw it coming and I more of less accepted the journey to which i'm on everyday. It's been a transitional period from adolescence to adulthood, mentally at least... Confronted with problems that are really hard, and keep looping around them until i break them down into somewhat manageable sized chunks. Each time you get around the loop you're more in tune with the root problem. I've been trying to keep track of it but it's very difficult. Not only am i concentrating on my thoughts, but i'm also trying to remember how i got to the next step in the thought pattern... and then trying to evaluate the whole chain of command. That i think is more interesting than the thought itself... at least in my opinion...

        That's where i believe language has failed us. Communication is extremely overrated. We need to find the next best thing. My mind goes through hundreds of thoughts an hour that at least i'm consciously aware of and i can't possibly write, or speak that fast. I can understand it in my head, but on paper it just doesn't add up. As soon as an idea is formed it is rationalized and then either archived and attached to similar thoughts or discarded. I've caught ideas by the tail (or solution), then have had to go back and figure out the steps to get to the solution. and it's fun as hell...

        I've been zoning out a lot, i just get lost in thought and can't keep tabs on reality... which is why i love that one Tool lyric that goes (Over thinking, over analyzing separates the body from the mind)... A period of intra-personal closeness i'd call it. I've been trying to figure out how stimuli goes from a sight, sound, touch, smell, taste into an emotional feeling inside your body. For example I just saw a guy eating a hot dog on TV and it made me really hungry for a hot dog... so that requires me to move in a specific manner and in a specific direction to get what i want. I can also very easily suppress that feeling of hunger by convincing myself i'm not hungry and that i'm in actually quite comfortable right now. These sensory inputs have got to be stored in memory patterns so you could easily make a prediction of how something will effect you when it comes into your state of existence. Example: You know that when you step foot into a movie theater the smell of fresh popcorn will likely have you salivating. If you know that will be true then you can likely suppress the feeling before it catches you and your wallet off guard... I do that with everything, not just popcorn... so by knowing the likely outcome of a situation, you could in fact handle it and have it all worked out so that you'd display a rather blunted affect... i know i tried explaining this to someone a while ago, but i didn't have such a firm grasp on the concept then as much as i do now.

        I'm really curious about the relationship between the body and the mind. I would love to figure out how experiences come to be out of gray matter that's electrically firing off signals to various nerves. I want to know how it all works. You see a hot female and you get all warm downstairs, you run across a strong scent of a tasty burger and your stomach feels like it's wrinkling up because it smells so damn good. I also feel that i cannot figure this all out alone...

        In comes this "Summer-Mode" that i've been saying a lot lately... I know that by observing other's in an environment in which they're comfortable in while not knowing that i'm observing them can help me a great deal in figuring out how my mind works. That's what "Summer-Mode" is, it's blowing wind into my sails to push me onward through this journey. Destination? I have no fucking clue. And i love that. Is this whole thought process part of a healthy mental hygiene routine to keep my mind on it's toes, or is it purely a mental illness... The Destination could very well be insanity. But I won't find out until i get there. and if it is, i say bring it on... although one state of mind i think does not really determine what the next state will be... or even how far off that next state may be. Push the envelope, Watch it bend...

        Every human being should have full responsibility for creating the meanings of their own lives but i think not everyone does. At this stage in life, i'd say that freedom of thought and self-ownership are the closest things i've found to the key to happiness... People like to say they live in the "Here and now, flying by the seat of the pants" type deal... i've been there and added to that mentality the inevitable questions that arise... Why here? Why now? Why not There and Later!? thinking outside the box is an understatement... I've lost my box, shit i can't even remember how big it was, or even what color it was... I've tried looking around for a bit, think it might've been thrown out... oh well, fuck the box... the use of lateral thinking in the grandest of scales... mmmMMMmmm, tastes like chicken... This may seem like a lot, but with no exaggeration this is only a taste of the insanity to ensue once i stop focusing on this one topic. and now that i think about it, i would really rather keep this information to myself hahaha... fuuuuuck me... Why? i don't fucking know... conflict of personality? and to that, i'm ditching you right now for a nice hot shower and a cold bed...

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